THE "RULES" 📋💀
AKA: How we pretend to have our shit together! 🤡
DISCLAIMER: These "rules" are more like suggestions when you're 6 beers deep and arguing about whether that ball actually went in the water or just disappeared into the Bermuda Triangle of this shit course.
🎪 LEAGUE OVERVIEW (THE BASICS) 🎪
🏌️♂️ What we are: A 9-hole individual handicapped golf league (translation: we suck at golf but get handicaps to make it fair)
📅 When: Tuesday nights, tee times 4:50-5:20pm (because we have day jobs... theoretically)
⏰ Season: 15 weeks from May 6th through August 12th (aka summer of suffering)
📊 Handicaps: Adjust weekly so everyone has a "fair" chance (spoiler: the course still wins)
💸 Entry Fee: $250 per cunt, paid back 100% (because we're not total cunts)
🍻 Required Equipment: Golf clubs, balls, beer, sense of humor about your shitty golf game
🏌️ COURSE SETUP (THE BATTLEFIELD) 🏌️
🎯 Where: Quail Creek Golf Club in South County (aka the legendary shithole)
💰 Cost: $25/week for 9 holes + cart (cheap thrills for expensive disappointment)
🔄 Rotation: Alternate between front and back 9 each week (because variety is the spice of suffering)
👨🦯 Tees: Men play white tees, Women play red tees (everyone plays from the "I'm fucked" tees)
🏌️♂️ Practice: Chipping green and driving range available (to practice your disappointment)
🎪 Course Motto: "Where dreams come to die and handicaps come to multiply"
🤬 PLAYING RULES (ORGANIZED CHAOS) 🤬
⬆️ Ball Placement: Play it up, no closer to hole (because we're not total cheating cunts... just partial ones)
🌊 Water/Trees/Bullshit: Everything is a red penalty area (translation: you're fucked, take a stroke and drop)
🔍 Lost Balls: 3 minutes to find it, then take your medicine like a man (1 stroke penalty, 2 club-lengths drop)
⚡ Triple Bogey Max: Pick up after triple bogey and cry quietly (we don't have all fucking day)
⛳ Putting: Putt everything out, no gimmes (because this league believes in suffering)
⏰ Pace: 2 hours max or we'll leave your slow ass behind
🏆 Tie for First: Sudden death playoff on hole 1 (because we love unnecessary drama)
💀 PLAYOFF RULES (SUDDEN DEATH MADNESS) 💀
⚔️ When: Tied for first? Time for some fucking sudden death drama!
🎯 Where: Hole 1 (because we like to end shit where we started)
📊 Handicaps: Still count (because math doesn't stop being a bitch in playoffs)
🏆 Special Rule: Handicap 8+ gets extra stroke (because this course is a cruel mistress)
💀 Warning: Playoff pressure may cause uncontrollable shaking, excessive swearing, and public humiliation
📊 WEEKLY POINTS (KEEPING SCORE) 📊
Top 5 finishers get points (because participation trophies are for quitters):
🥇 1st Place: 100 Points (Crown of the Shit Course)
🥈 2nd Place: 70 Points (Silver Medal of Mediocrity)
🥉 3rd Place: 50 Points (Bronze Participation Award)
🤡 4th Place: 30 Points (Almost There, Champ)
💀 5th Place: 20 Points (Pity Points)
🎪 Everyone Else: 0 Points and a lifetime of regret
💰 WEEKLY PAYOUTS (BLOOD MONEY) 💰
$150 weekly pot distributed to the top 3 survivors:
🏆 1st Place: $75 (Enough for a decent dinner and therapy)
🥈 2nd Place: $50 (A nice consolation lunch)
🥉 3rd Place: $25 (Buy yourself a beer to forget)
🎲 Tie Situations:
• Tie for 2nd? Split the 3rd place money too (math is hard when drunk)
• Tie for 3rd? Split that money (sharing is caring, cunts)
💸 Skins Game: $25 weekly pot divided by total skins (because we love gambling)
🏆 END OF YEAR CHAMPIONSHIP (THE BIG KAHUNA) 🏆
Season-long points chase winners (the lucky bastards):
👑 1st Place: $600 (King of the Shit Course - Actually decent money!)
🥈 2nd Place: $325 (Silver Survivor - Not bad for sucking!)
🥉 3rd Place: $200 (Bronze Finisher - Better than nothing!)
📊 Based on 15 cunts for 2025
More cunts = bigger pot, fewer cunts = sadder existence
REMEMBER: IT'S JUST A GAME!
A very expensive, time-consuming, soul-crushing, liver-damaging game played on a shit course with a bunch of cunts you somehow call friends.